Unwanted Grace

Life these days have simply been consisting of just days, weeks, months, and sooner or later, years.
There hasn't been a stop button to realize all the things thats happened, how it affected me, and how it affected everyone around me. And don't even get me started with how God was just lost within all the chaos life has brought me.

Days past, and what seems like hours, turns into months. It's been months, i would even say maybe a year or more since i've stopped to really acknowledge God, and give Him the proper time of day.
I think its a struggle we all go through...

We say a simple prayer when we need Him most, and maybe we thank Him when He does help us out. Rarely we really take the time to talk to Him. To really hang out with Him.

I've been trying really hard to take baby steps into stepping back into faith. It's so hard and i'm not sure how long it'll take to become the women of God i  had hoped to be when i first was "born again."
To have so many expectations for yourself, for God, from God...it all just becomes too hard, and i give up.
But i'm hoping this slow progress will get me to where i need to be. It's been a really tough past year or so, and i think back to God and how i survived...and it really is grace. To be exact, unwanted grace.

When life gets tough, or even when you decide to go deep into the world and what it offers, we forget that all we need to do is crawl out of it. But we feel dirty, unclean, and unwanted as it is. We forget that grace is right in front of us.

When i disobeyed Him. When i turned against Him. When i put up a brick wall toward Him. When i gave Him the cold shoulder. When i ignored Him. When i insulted Him. When i denied His love.
---- At the end of the road, He simply gave me grace.

Thinking back to all that, really just brings me to tears. How foolish i was, how ignorant, stupid, and really any word revolving that action. And how i got to the place i'm at now?? It's amazing really.
I have so much more to go, so many more obstacles to face.

But i know that with God's grace, i can do all things.
The real hard part is actually stepping out, and grabbing the hand that's been there all along.

"I Survived"

2015 was probably one of the toughest years of my life.

Being prone to keeping everything to myself, exerting out more than i was able to handle, and giving more than i was being given ... brought me to a place of loneliness (far too many times), anxiety, uncertainty, distrust, and more. There were many times where i hated everyone, and even myself for getting into situations that i knew weren't "me" and wanted to get out. It was even worse when i realized that all i had in the end was myself, and of course God.

My last post was about me realizing that God is still faithful through it all - and He most definitely is. Most of this year was filled with a lot of distress, self-hate, and contemplating life itself. However, with the grace -- i emphasize grace, of God...i survived. He gave me the right people, and right circumstances to push myself everyday, and to get to the semi-okay place that i am today.

That semi-okay place got me a new job, and a new best friend. I never knew I could find this, so called "love" that everyone talked about and boasted about on social media. And to selfishly find it, in the time I was most undeserving... Just shows how amazing He really is. And for being by my side through my toughest, most vulnerable time, I'm forever grateful.

I'm hopeful that 2016 will be filled with the growth of my mistakes, and more positivity. I'm so certain that God will be with me, every step of the way, just like He always has. Even when i'm straying, or am doubting Him, i know that He is faithful. So in this coming year, i hope to be more faithful back.

With that, i have a few "resolutions" that i'm hopeful to fulfill this fresh, new year!

1. Lean on Him.

2. Thank Him, even when times are rough. And especially when times are great.

3. Laugh more, and think positively about every situation.

4. Use your time wisely- especially investing in the relationships with people that count.

5. Travel as much as you can.

6. Never say no to an open opportunity. Always be looking forward!

7. Tithe.

8. Be intentional (you missed that memo in 2015)
9. Don't worry about what people think.
10. Love hard.

Love Goes On

"We found love that never runs dry

From the depths

To the sky

Eyes fixed on the one who knows no end

You stand strong for all the time

In the joy, In the trial

You are the Beginning and the End."

This song is from Hillsong Y&F's first album, which i fell in love with when it came out. I came across this song again tonight after an incredible time with one of my dearest friends, and it all rushed back to me. We were just having one of those real talks about life, struggles, etc. But the conclusion we came to is to keep fighting, stay thankful, and just trust.

His Love goes on. Its that simple. He IS the Beginning and the End, and despite anything life throws at you, He's there through it all. Its such a hard thing to remember when the bad comes and consumes you, or when the good comes, and distracts you from being thankful. However, its moments like these...moments of clarity, that we have to really hold onto. To hold onto the joy and beauty in it all. The greatness that comes with walking with Him.

--

Its definitely been a rough few months, i would even say a rough year. I personally haven't been spiritually fed properly or even had any conviction or motivation to do so. But thankfully, my amazing year last year has been (barely) holding me together. I still thank God daily for His goodness and grace, but i'm definitely not at a place where i was. (But then again, we never want to go "back" to a time when we were "good" with God-- we want to always look forward and realize that we've grown and it'll always be different, and always better.)

Through it all though, it really does come down to nights like tonight, where you take a step back and realize that He is just too good to avoid. Once you are blessed enough to really have the time to build the foundation and trust in the relationship between you and God, it will hold you together like glue.

I am and will always be thankful for the best year of my life so far, aka 2014. It was my year to understand His grace and to learn to be patient and thankful through trials. 

Just because 2015 hasn't been the greatest year does not mean i am defeated. Friends who know me, and have seen me...has described me as someone who is just swimming, going with the flow. But this flow hasn't been going upstream. It has going down fast into a sewer (LOL). And i really am/was. I thank one of my sistas in Christ for letting me realize this a few weeks ago, and now i'm finally trying to slowly crawl my way upstream. I think i've just been avoiding realizing that everything isn't OKAY because sometimes we don't want to think about our problems. We want to cover everything up and pretend everything is A-Okay! And that we don't need anyones help, guidance, or support.

But that then leads to present day Sarah Kim -- a confused, strayed, lost, helpless girl. Who's sole support came from the distraction of work, failed relationships, and anything else that didn't lead me to depending on God.

Fast forward to me finally realizing and thinking about my issues, i'm hoping to do something about it. Its going to be a long long struggle and process, but i guess i'm ready. (?!) I know whats right and i know that i have to lean on God -- especially after nights like tonight where i'm taken back to the place where i first understood -- where i first realized that God IS the beginning and end. Alpha Omega, literally the one consistent in my life. So what else can we do right? He is literally our rock, our anchor. Through the tough times, His love carries us through this life we have to live here on this earth! 

That also leads me to remind myself that this life here is so temporary. 90 years on this planet is a second compared to the eternity we have to spend with Him afterwards. So...while i'm here on this earth, i need to stop wasting my life with useless things that only give me temporary happiness!! Or at least slowly try to. Because what is life, where is the meaning, when you're only living for yourself and/or any idols. (Anything you love more or spend more time thinking about is definitely an idol) Especially when you have an incredible, awesome God you serve...who is and always will be on your side.

His love seriously goes on and is too good to pass up. 

I hope you guys get somewhat encouraged by this random post after several months of hiatus. I really hope and pray i can continue to trust in Him and lead in His ways...not the worlds....#accountabilitypartnerswhereyouat #helpasistaout

Also feel free to reach out to me to chat or ask for any prayer requests. Community is all we got when it comes to helping with the struggle of fighting this good fight. The enemy is strong, but we serve an even stronger God! Who gives us people to lean on and to keep going. Although life can get crappy, and we all have our own share of burdens, we're also meant to carry each others...so burden on guys! 

xx